Ahh...the married life. Every girl dreams of a beautiful wedding with the perfect white dress and the perfect venue with the most amazing cake and presents for miles! So traditional and beautiful you almost kinda want to throw up in your mouth a little. I wanted all that and more. I wanted flowers for days, Gerber daisies to be exact, and so much tulle that even a gay man would be disgusted. But, that didn't happen quite as I had planned. I grew up and realized that I didn't have a million dollars to pay for a huge traditional wedding and who has the time to plan a wedding anyway? So, Matt and I do as most non traditional people, including, but not limited to, angry rebellious teens, poor people (ME, ME) and pregnant brides "doing the right thing", and get married at the court house! Now, of course, I wore black ( classy of course) and consulted my mom the morning of to make sure I had penny in my shoe and something blue attached to my body somewhere! So here we go...let the wedded bliss begin!!
Yay for beer drinking, drunk sex and lots of unnecessary things that make you feel important and accomplished, like ipods and computers, and an enormous amount of shoes! Then one day it all comes to a shrieking halt!!! ERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR....guess what honey...I'm pregnant!!! Now, most wives would be elated to have a cute little fetus growing inside of them. I had an "oh shit, how am I going to tell my mom" moment. As if I was 15 and had no means to support a child. I cried for an hour and half thinking I couldn't be a mom yet. I was 26 and in the prime of my life doing whatever I wanted when I wanted...the hubs and I ...we liked our freedom. So for 9 months we endured a borderline sexless, alcohol free ( well, I did anyway), enormous bellied pregnancy!!
Oh Pregnancy!!! Who knew all the ins and outs of pregnancy would be such a pain in the ass!! No one tells you all the gross and painful stuff that happens during these glorious months. They tell you how beautiful being pregnant is and how pampered people make you feel....umm excuse me!?! I was being handled like a freaking deck of cards by random strangers who felt compelled to touch and grope my belly WITHOUT my permission!! I DO NOT have "Petting Zoo" stamped on my forehead!! Don't tell me how much longer I have to go in this pregnancy, I am well aware that I am going to be miserably fat when my due date rolls around. DO NOT tell me that I am only going to get bigger...again, something that I notified myself of the day those two blue lines appeared! And, most certainly DO NOT tell me that I look chubby or zone in on my growing tits...they hurt...do not touch them nor do you need to make a spectacle of things that are engorged with gross leaking fluid...sorry, that was more for my husbands sake! Back to my original rant... Pregnancy is a beautiful thing for about 5 minutes when you feel something new and different...well the new things that don't hurt, of course. I loved feeling those little kicks and sometimes even liked it when he punched me in the ribs...HOWEVER, all the other things that happen to your vagina during pregnancy I could do without! As if pushing a human through there wasn't tragic enough!! You have to deal with other unmentionable things that would make men cry if they had to go through it!
So after 9 months of joyous, hellacious, painful, sleepless, restful ,fat, peace here comes the baby!! No one tells you that not only are you going to have to push a baby through your vagina, but you will be exposing it to about 527 people in the span of just a few hours!! I am pretty sure that all modesty went out the window the minute my fabulously gay intern welcomed my friend into the room by saying in a broadwayesque singing type voice " Welcomeeee" as if this were the damn circus! Thank God that the beginning of my contractions, which happened to be all the rage while during my pedicure at the nail salon, through the laboring process and birthing of Nate only lasted a mere 8 hours or so.
Oh he is beautiful...and purple, but beautiful. I sat up after giving birth, ate a sandwich and waited on my sweet bundle of joy to be brought to me! Well, this didn't happen for about 4 hours!! I mean I didn't want him to be on me fresh out of that cave! I wanted him cleaned off first but I didn't know that meant that I had to wait 4 hours to see him!! But, all is well after I get to rest and hold my sweet little Nate in my arms a hundred different ways with lots of poses to make the perfect Facebook photo!!
Fast Forward 6 months and boy was I in for it!! I can't go back now..all the poop and puke and sleepless nights have only begun!! I live for those little cries and cute little smiles and I actually count how many times a day that he poops! I thought I was never going to get a full nights sleep but, hey... I take what I can get, right? I wouldn't trade him for the world!! I mean, I could do without the blood curdling screams and the banging of his fists when he is mad and the throwing of the head into concrete floors when he is tired, but how could I!? He is the joy of my life and I am pretty sure the apple of my hubby's eye!! I can't wait for crayons on the wall and the throwing of food and pulling of the dogs tails and running through the house naked and screaming because he doesn't want to take a bath!! Oh for the things that lie ahead of me, I pray that I can stay sane and medication free!!! Wait, no...medication is alright...what am I thinking...clearly I wasn't...Bring on the Prozak!!
yes..I am on the phone while being stitched up...let the multi-tasking begin!!
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